Carpe Diem
by ghosteye99
Summary: Your stock-standard Resolutions J/C AU with a lot of Coda thrown in, set sometime during Janeway and Chakotay's last hours on New Earth before beaming back to Voyager. Romance/Family as well as Drama/Supernatural. Written as a thank-you fic for Malezita.


**Title: **Carpe Diem

**Author: **Ghosteye99

**Summary: **A pretty stock-standard Resolutions J/C AU with a lot of Coda thrown in, set sometime during Janeway and Chakotay's last hours on New Earth before beaming back to Voyager.

**Warnings: **Angst, supernatural/spiritual themes, light swearing & a few non-canon creepy crawlies. Any more & I'll spoil it (nothing too explicit anyway).

**Notes:** Written as a thank-you fic for Malezita, who got me an AO3 code, and who requested a J/C Coda in reverse story when I offered to write her a gift fic in return. She asked fro a story from one of my own ST prompts: "VOY (23) - "_Coda" in reverse - what if Chakotay was the one who was dying? What form will the 'afterlife' parasite take for him, and how will he deal with its temptation? Will Janeway hold it together as she watches on, or will her 'Captain's Mask' drop?_"

I know this is very long for a oneshot, and I've contemplated breaking this up for easier reading (I'll have to anyway for some of my other archives), but I decided to leave it as a single-chapter here because I think it works better for the story, kind of like reading a movie instead of a series of episodes.

Thanks to **KJaneway115** for taking the time to very thoroughly beta this mammoth.

"Carpe Diem" = Latin for "Seize the Day."

**Disclaimer: **Characters and setting belong to Paramount Pictures and CBS, not me (though all New Earth life-forms mentioned here, except for the primates, are my own invention). No profit or harm intended. This is a fanfiction, not Canon.

**Carpe Diem**

_When it found the lost ship, the being had been dormant for some time, but that didn't matter - it was a patient creature. The wait merely gave it the time it needed to raid the minds of the humanoids onboard, and from them it gained a rich library of impressions and memories to be stored for later use, when the opportunity arose. _

_And arise it did – sooner than expected. Two of their leaders had become infected while exploring a planet, and luckily for it the disease was a fatal one__,__ against which their medical technology was useless. _

_Unfortunately, their people realised there was an antigen on the planet that would suppress the disease, and keep them healthy – so long as they stayed down there. But still, the being had weighed their odds, and decided to stay behind with them, rather than follow the ship and try its chances with the others. It reasoned that, though their people had provided well for them, they were still alone on a world they did not know, and therefore likely to be the next to die. _

_It would wait for the first one, and then the next. The fact that they were a male and a female did not escape its attention; if they ever made offspring, then it would wait for them as well. Those souls would provide a feast for its matrix, and sate its hunger until it could find another ship. _

-o0o-

Together Chakotay and Kathryn hauled the antigrav trolley holding the last of their containers over to join the others assembled at the beam-up point Tuvok had specified. Then, they paused to get their breath back, and to take another look up to the skies - even though _Voyager_ was still over five hours away from reaching them.

"Looks like there's no sign of another plasma storm," Chakotay observed.

"Agreed," Kathryn replied, searching the pale blue of the atmosphere above them. "And the primates seem calm. I think it should be safe to leave everything out here until our ship arrives. I'd say it's time to take a shower, clean up, and get into our uniforms. I think you should go first, Chakotay."

"Are you making a reference to my Manly Odour?" he replied, with a flirtatious grin.

"Let's just say instead that you've been exerting yourself physically a lot more than I have today, and therefore you've earned the right to go in first," Kathryn drawled, giving him a friendly pat on the shoulder. Chakotay's smile widened a little more.

"That's a polite way of putting it," he replied, and taking her shoulder, he bent down to give her a quick, playful kiss on her lips.

Kathryn did not pull away, but her expression went blank, and then, regretfully, she gently pushed him back.

"I'm sorry, Chakotay," she said firmly. "I think it's time that we start holding off from this kind of behaviour. We'll be returning to our ship in a few hours, and we'll have to go back to the old parameters. We can't continue like this…"

"Can't we? We've discussed this before … Surely there is _something_ we can do to work this out."

"I'm sorry," she repeated; "you know the matter is closed. We'll be in a chain of command again soon, which means that you'll go back to being my subordinate … and if we continue this relationship as it is, it'll create a conflict of interest that could harm the integrity of our command. And before you think of resigning for the sake of keeping this relationship, consider the effect that will have on the Maquis on our ship … and on shipboard discipline. It'd be the same for the Starfleet crew, if _I_ resigned. We all need to pull together and make sacrifices if we are to have any chance of surviving this journey. _Especially_ us. You've been a captain yourself, Chakotay. You know what that means for your personal life; you've told me how you've often had to discourage or hold back from the others in your crew, and you know what happened the one time that you didn't… there's no other way …"

Her voice trailed off, and he could see that, despite the hard expression she wore, she was blinking. He reached out to hold her, but she pulled away, held up her hand and shook her head; and wiped at the corner of an eye with her finger.

"I'm alright," she said hoarsely, "don't mind me; I suppose this is going to take some time getting used to again."

"I don't count you in anywhere near the same league as Seska," Chakotay replied; "I thought she was an exception, but she turned out to be a mistake. You are so much more than she could ever have been … if it had been _you_ in her place…"

"Yes?" she asked.

"…I would have done anything for you, and I am certain now that you would do the same for me. There are ways I've thought of to get around the conflict of interest problem; we could give Tuvok and the other senior staff more powers in certain situations."

"Chakotay," Kathryn said, "I wish I could, but … putting measures like that in place could make administering the ship even more complicated. I'm sorry."

"Then at least let me have just one more kiss, Kathryn," he asked, "as something by which to remember this time we had together."

"One more kiss, then," Kathryn said, "and then after that, we _will _have to stop."

"Thank you," he replied, before meeting her lips in a slow, deep kiss that she reluctantly broke off.

"You go take your shower," she said, with a little smile; running her hand down his arm as she got her breath back. "There's a few things I've got to attend to in the garden."

"Aye, Captain," he said blankly. He touched her cheek once, and then he turned and walked off to the shelter.

-o0o-

Kathryn watched him go, her throat tightening, and a feeling like lead grew in the pit of her gut.

'_Aye Captain'_ – and it seemed like, in two little words, it was all over. For one moment, she wanted to run after him, catch him and tell him to completely forget about what she'd just said. She wanted to take him down on the grass, or have him take her; right now she didn't really care either way … and once more commit that ancient, scandalous act with him.

She wondered, once again, whether it was possible to have a life on _Voyager_ where he could call her Captain on the bridge and Kathryn in her quarters. Whether she could, for once, allow herself the selfish luxury of being the bride in the next mess hall wedding, _without_ endangering everyone on the ship. She didn't want this thing they'd barely started together to have to stop now; she wanted to tell Tuvok, tell Harry … tell everyone on the whole damn ship about it instead, and to hell with any objections.

But Chakotay knew the drill as well as she did. For a Starfleet command team, things were rarely that simple. She knew that if she'd not called time on that kiss, he would have himself, though he would have held out until somewhere in the middle of the next few. And soon, he too would slip from her fingers.

Like every other man in her life.

She unhooked the phaser from the clip on her dress, and checked its power levels. There was enough charge left to do what she had to do, so she adjusted the settings, and then went over to the garden to vaporise the Talaxian tomatoes that were only just showing their first fruit. Starfleet Protocol No. 1326; Section 74a: Contaminated Planets. Part: b: Leaving a Temporary Settlement on a Contaminated Planet:

"_In the absence of an informed request otherwise by local inhabitants, all non-sentient life forms brought to a contaminated planet or other interstellar body by a Starfleet Officer, that are not native to that planet or body of residence; that cannot be safely transported and quarantined, must be completely destroyed by vaporisation, combustion, or whatever other adequately complete means is at ones disposal _…"

As she vaporised her plants one by one, she quietly wished she could have been able to take them back with her.

-o0o-

Kathryn knelt at the edge of what was left of her garden, listlessly scanning the burnt earth for any living traces of her crop that she might have missed. Thankfully, by the time she'd vaporised the last one, she'd gotten a full grip on her composure.

Hearing footsteps behind her, she tensed a little as she turned around to look, even though she already knew it was Chakotay by the familiar rhythm of his step. She noted that he was shaved and in uniform now, though he was still dabbing at a spot of blood from a stray nick on his chin. His hair was neatly brushed back; it would need trimming again soon, but that would not be her job now.

"I'm all finished," he said. "Is there anything I can help you with here?"

"No," Kathryn sighed; "I think I've got them all. Looks like it's my turn to go and make myself presentable." She got up and put her phaser away, switched off and locked. A hand caught her arm as she began to go.

"Kathryn," Chakotay said, "I know we both have to follow different rules now, but I don't want either of us to forget what we had during our days here. At least, we should try to keep our friendship intact, whatever else happens."

"Agreed," she said, taking his hand again in hers. "That is a promise I can keep, and I won't forget, Chakotay. I _will_ stay your friend, whatever happens."

"And I with you," Chakotay replied; "as long as I live."

He squeezed her hand, and Kathryn looked at him in such a way that he thought he might get just one more kiss … but then, with a sad smile she squeezed back, nodded silently, and let him go.

-o0o-

Kathryn heard the shout while she was still in the shower; distinctly above the loud whine the device had been acquiring lately. It was definitely Chakotay, and it sounded like he was in trouble. She wasn't sure, but she thought she might have also heard something thump heavily just before that.

Cursing under her breath, she switched off the shower, pulled her sweaty, dirt-stained dress back over herself, grabbed the medkit and her commbadge off the table, and then bolted out the door in the direction the noise had come from.

Chakotay was crouched against one of their storage cases, holding one of his hands and grimacing. Bright blood stained his fingers as he pressed them to his wrist. Whatever had just occurred, he was now in extreme pain.

"Chakotay!" she called out to him, "what happened?"

"Something … got me," he gasped; "I couldn't get a good look to see what it was … it was very fast … it looked a bit like a spider … or a wingless wasp … it had gold and black fur ... I think it also had a big spike …like a needle … on the front of its head … That's all I can remember ... I saw it on one of the containers … and without thinking … I picked up a stick to brush it off … and then it ran up the stick before I could drop it … and …"

He tried to straighten his hand, which had flexed into a claw-like rigour, and was already turning a nasty greyish-puce colour. "I've got my finger on the wrist artery … that's where it got me … I'm trying to hold the bleeding …"

"Hold up your arm!" Kathryn ordered. Chakotay did so. She pulled back his uniform sleeve, and saw that the signs of envenomation were beginning to spread beyond his hand. Several red, venous lines fanned down the underside of his forearm; a very bad sign.

"I'm going to do a scan to find out what kind of poison we're dealing with," she said, pulling out a tricorder; "and then," she added, as she scanned his arm; "it'll hopefully be something that one of our general antivenoms can fix."

"Please be quick!" he whispered hoarsely, "If it injected an artery… The venom … will've spread … fast … by now!"

"Chakotay," she said; "try to stay with me! I'll be as fast as I can!"

Chakotay did not reply. Kathryn paused her scan to take a look at his face … and forced down an urge to cry out in horror. He was unconscious, and had paled to a sallow, dark-veined complexion. His skin was hot to her touch, and a sheen of greasy sweat covered his face. He'd been right; the venom was probably all through his body by now.

"Hold on, please …" she desperately begged, as her tricorder indicated his failing life signs. "Please … stay with me …" Time was running out, and the venom was still defying analysis; she had the hyposprays ready in her kit, but unless she knew the right one to use any one of them might kill him before the poison did.

"Chakotay..." she checked his vital signs when the tricorder's alarm went off. There was a pulse – barely, but his breathing had stopped. "Damnnit!" Kathryn hissed, rummaging through her kit for a hypospray to revive him. She found one, a general cardiovascular and neural stimulant. Though it might not be safe to use with the venom in his body, she had no time to check; she just had to risk it.

She pressed it to his neck, and Chakotay twitched. She checked his pulse again; this time, it was stronger – but he still was not breathing.

"Don't leave me, Chakotay …you can't die on me … _not now!_" She demanded, as she began manual resuscitation...

-o0o- =/\= -o0o-

…Chakotay woke up with a start, and got up off the grass. He was in the same spot where he'd fallen, and from where he'd woken before … except that now, Kathryn was kneeling over him, working frantically on the body he saw at his feet. He bent down to look at it, and then reached out to touch her. "Kathryn…" he said … but she did not hear him, and his hand, when it reached her arm, passed through it.

_No…_ he thought. _No…_

"Stay _with_ me, Chakotay!" Kathryn snarled through gritted teeth between breaths, as she pushed on his chest. "Please … stay … with … me! _Don't … you … dare … die … now!"_

Chakotay crouched down beside her as she worked. "I'm here, Kathryn," he said, reassuringly. "Though you cannot see me, I'm still with you."

She did not hear him. As she reached for the hypospray again, he put his hand on her shoulder, and let it sink into her; taking in how strange the solid warmth of her body felt to him now, in his non corporeal state.

"Can you feel me?" he asked; his face next to hers as she briefly stopped pumping his body, to bend down and give him her breath.

"I'm with you, Kathryn," he said, trying to reassure her. "I haven't gone."

Kathryn checked his pulse, and swore under her breath as she grabbed the hypospray again. Then she started pushing on him again, her face set in a grim mask of determination as she tried to get his heart to start again. That was the last thing Chakotay saw, before he …

-o0o- =/\= -o0o-

…Chakotay found himself back under the shower in the shelter. His thoughts immediately went back to what had just happened, and his mind began to race through the possibilities. One quickly came to him; that he could be caught in a causality loop of some kind. He wasn't sure what was causing it, but remembering what he'd just gone through, he was confident that if this was so, he could do something to change events so that the outcome would be better this time.

He paused the shower to listen, and sure enough, he could easily make out the intermittent sound of Kathryn's phaser as she destroyed her garden. In a short time, he would be dressed and groomed for beam-up, and Kathryn would take her turn in the shower. He would see a small, venomous creature on one of the containers, and he would try to brush it off with a stick. It would run up that stick to sting him, and despite Kathryn's quick efforts, he would die…

… But not this time. He was going to change that. Getting into his uniform, he shaved – taking extra care with that spot just below his chin. _This_ time, he didn't nick himself, and that small triumph gave him cause to smile. There was hope, yet. He tidied his hair, and this time, he checked his phaser, and made sure it was auto-set on stun. He came outside, and as before, he found Kathryn, kneeling by the burnt earth, scanning it for any surviving traces of her crop.

"I'm all finished," he said, just as before. "Is there anything I can help you with?"

"No," Kathryn sighed; "I think I've got them all. I suppose it's my turn now to clean up and make myself presentable."

She got up and put her phaser away. As she began to walk off, Chakotay – remembering – caught her hand. "Kathryn," he said, "I know we both have to follow Starfleet guidelines now, but I don't want us to forget what we had during our days here. We should try to keep our friendship, whatever else happens …"

Agreed," she replied, taking his hand in hers. She was about to say something, but then she paused, her expression puzzled. "Chakotay," she said, "something doesn't feel quite right."

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"I'm not sure how I can describe it …" Kathryn replied, "…like a sudden, strong gut feeling that something's out of place. It happened …" she looked up at him; "… when you just said 'Starfleet'."

"I hope it isn't an omen," Chakotay said; knowing what would happen to him soon, he'd decided against telling her yet what would happen, believing it would be easy enough to break the loop himself. Once he'd stunned and captured the creature, he would tell her, and they could scan for any Chroniton residue then. But now, he didn't want to worry her. Before she could react, he darted in and stole a quick, chaste kiss on her cheek.

"But I mean it about our friendship," he said; "I want to keep on seeing you when we're back on _Voyager_, at least as friends. Please promise me that."

Kathryn blinked once, and he thought her eyes looked a little brighter than before.

"Of course," she said; "Chakotay, you know I will. I really do want to keep on spending time with you when we get back … as a friend."

She gently squeezed his hand back, and then reached up to return his kiss with a light peck on the lips. Then, she let him go, and went into the shelter to take her shower. For one crazy moment, he thought of following her; it wouldn't have been the first time they'd had some fun in there. He quickly put the thought away; doing that now would only make things harder for them both when their ship arrived. Instead, he went out to wait by the containers, and to keep an eye out for the creature.

When he arrived, he had an idea. He quickly found the case where most of their science equipment was stored. Opening it, he pulled out a small set of tongs and an empty stasis case. If he could stun the creature, it made sense to save it for study. If the Doctor came up with an antitoxin to the venom, it could be useful for treating something they might encounter in the future.

As Chakotay closed the case, he felt something moving up his arm; by the time he could turn his phaser on and set it, he felt something sharp jab deep into the side of his neck, and almost immediately, his blood felt like it had turned to magma.

He fell back heavily against the cases, and he saw a flash of something gold and black scuttling down his leg before everything turned grey. He tried to call for Kathryn, but he wasn't able to open his mouth. In the distance, he thought he'd heard her shout out his name, but he wasn't sure…

-o0o- =/\= -o0o-

…Chakotay opened his eyes, and realised that he was back in the sonic shower. His thoughts immediately went back to the last three times … and he stopped the shower, pulled on his uniform, and quickly went out to check on Kathryn. She was vaporising the last few tomatoes.

"Kathryn," he said, urgently, "I think we've done this before. Think about it …"

She paused, phaser in hand. "… You're right," she said, slowly standing up. "Now you mention it, I'm sure that I've done this before …"

"We have," Chakotay explained; "at least two times. Each time, things happen in a similar sequence. I get out the shower, put on my uniform, talk to you, and then I wait by the containers. Then, a venomous creature attacks me there, and I die before you can help me."

"Looks like a causality loop to me," Kathryn said, raising her phaser; "what did the creature look like?"

"Small," he replied; "about the size of a mouse. It resembled something between a spider and a wasp, but it had gold and black fur; and it also had a sharp spike on its head. It used that to inject a very potent venom into me."

"We should be able to deal with it together," she replied, adjusting her phaser's settings as he likewise did with his. "Ok, while we have time, let's get rid of it."

Kathryn set off for the containers, Chakotay behind her. "Be careful," he said, 'it's pretty good at jumping."

"I'll note that," she replied.

Soon, they'd reached the spot, and Kathryn took a tricorder out of her pocket while keeping her phaser ready in her free hand. "I'm not going to vaporise it, only put it on a high stun, which should be enough to kill it without damaging its body too much," she explained, while carefully scanning the containers. They combed their instruments over each container and the ground around it several times in a thorough pattern, but neither of them could find anything unusual.

"Well," Chakotay said; "whatever it is, it looks like it must have moved on this time. We can't find anything. Kathryn, I suggest I keep a listen out for _Voyager_, while you get yourself ready … Kathryn?" he said, noticing her suddenly stare at something on the ground near his feet; "… is there something wrong?"

"Don't move, Chakotay," she ordered, while carefully aiming her phaser, and fired.

"Damn!" she hissed, "I missed it!"

"It must have jumped," he said, looking around. "Where is that thing?" he muttered, to himself.

"Chakotay," Kathryn said; "keep very still…"

He felt the prickle of something moving against his neck. "Kathryn," he said quietly, trying to stay as still as possible; "Don't try to touch it. I don't want you to be bit…"

Again, he felt the creature's spike pierce his neck, and again, he felt its venom burn through his body. As he fell against a container, he dimly heard Kathryn shout his name again; he thought she might have grabbed him, to stop his fall, but he wasn't sure – he couldn't feel her hands, or anything else. His body had gone as numb as a cloud, and then he...

-o0o- =/\= -o0o-

…Chakotay got out the shower, and pulled on his uniform trousers. He was certain now that this was a causality loop he was caught in; this was the fourth time he'd died and returned, and he was determined to stop it. When he was half-way decently dressed, he jogged out the shelter and around to the garden, where Kathryn would be.

"Kathryn!" he called when he found her; she was only half-way through her task this time.

"Why aren't you properly dressed?" she replied, slowly getting up and brushing the dirt from her clothes.

"No time!" Chakotay said, "I think I'm somehow trapped in a causality loop, one that keeps ending in my death. I want to use the shuttle to emit an anti-tachyon pulse to try and close the rift that might be causing it. Kathryn, I'm going to need your help."

"How do you know?" she asked.

"Because I've relived it several times. I've only just come back from dying in the last one. Do you have any unusual memories of living the last few hours over again, or a sense of déjà vu?"

"Yes," she realised; "… yes I do. I get it as well; a definite memory of having been here before … and doing the same thing. You may be right; come on, let's go!"

Together, they ran for the shuttle. When they got there, Kathryn was already powering up her console by the time he hit his seat.

"I've got the warp engines online," she said; "I'm locking-off the nacelles and impulse engines."

"The deflector is fully online," he replied, "you may engage the pulse when ready."

"Preparing to engage … _damn!_ What the hell was_ that?_"

"What's wrong?" Chakotay asked.

"Something just got me!" she said, reaching down to pull up her dress. "Oh hell … whatever it was, that thing can _hurt_ … _Oh Damn!_ _Chak__…__ O__… __Tay!_"

Kathryn's eyes suddenly rolled back in their sockets as she arched back in her seat, both her hands slammed stiffly onto her console, and she gasped once. Then, before Chakotay could reach her, she went limp, and tumbled out of her seat and onto the deck like a puppet.

"Kathryn!" Chakotay shouted - and then he looked down to the spot where she'd checked herself only seconds before, and pulled her dress up further. Sure enough, there was a single, deep-red puncture mark high up on her thigh, just below her pants – near where a major artery flowed. Already, a web of angry-looking red veins started fanning out from the spot, and her skin was beginning to feel hot, and had turned blotchy, and dark-veined. He had a good guess at what caused it, but he could see no sign of the creature.

"Hold on, Kathryn!" he said, "I'm going to set you up in a temporary stasis field; then I'll get one of the pods ready. I'm not going to let you die out here, I promise you that!"

No sooner had he laid her out in stasis on one of the benches, than the shuttle's computer piped up: "_Warning. Power feedback failure detected in the deflector conduit system. Deflector conduit system failure in fifteen seconds_."

"Damn!" Chakotay hissed, and vaulted into Kathryn's seat. A quick glance at her console showed several systems had gone awry, probably the result of her hands hitting the screen during her seizure. If he didn't re-route the excess power back to the antimatter containment field in the next few seconds, a conduit failure would be the least of their worries. He frantically tapped in the commands, hoping he was in time…

"_Power feedback failure averted. Deflector is fully online. All systems normal_."

Chakotay leaned back in the seat, and breathed out in relief. Then, he looked back at Kathryn and realised he now had to make a decision; the shuttle was parked only a short walk from the shelter, but for her, that walk would be impossible – and even if he carried her, if he took her out of stasis now, she would likely be dead by the time he could get her into one of the stasis pods.

If she remained here, the shuttle would have to stay powered up, eventually draining its fuel. The pods themselves were too heavy for him to drag to the shuttle, and they themselves had been put in a spot where it would be impossible to land the shuttle close enough for a quick exchange.

Looking at the readouts, Chakotay realised that there was only one option left if Kathryn was to survive. He tapped in some more commands, and said: "Computer. Prepare to re-engage the anti-tachyon pulse, on my mark."

"_Inadvisable. The antimatter containment field is currently compromised. There is insufficient remaining power to __…_"

"Computer," he said, "Override that! Prepare to engage an anti-tachyon pulse, on my mark!"

"_Anti-tachyon charge engaged_," the computer replied, immediately followed by the pulse of klaxons and warning lights. "_Warning. Antimatter containment field is collapsing. Warp core breach in three seconds._"

"Engage Anti-tachyon pulse _NOW!_" Chakotay shouted, as the shuttle suddenly shuddered, and everything around him burst into whiteness …

-o0o- =/\= -o0o-

…Chakotay woke up, and saw the dim reflection of his face on the surface of _Voyager's_ conference room table, where he was sitting. He must have survived the explosion, and made it back to the ship … though _how_, he wasn't sure.

"I'm sorry," he said to whoever was in the room, thinking quickly as he straightened up, "I must have nodded off." His heart leapt when he saw Kathryn alive and well at the head of the table, but apart from Tuvok, there was no one else in the room.

"Understandable," the Vulcan replied; "You and the captain will still be experiencing the side-effects of the anti-virus serum, though in your case, you also have the after-effects of both the serum _and_ the remains of your allergic reaction to that serum to recover from. However, you should hopefully expect such bouts of fatigue to continue to diminish in frequency over the next few days."

"Though there is another consequence of our time here that I'll need to discuss with you, Commander," Kathryn added; Chakotay noticed there was an odd hint in her tone … and there was something in the way she looked at him when she said that. She seemed somehow worried, or overwhelmed by something - he couldn't tell which.

"Why is that?" he asked.

"I'll tell you later, in private, after we're finished with this meeting." She replied, with that familiar wave of her hand. Tuvok nodded solemnly at her gesture, but ventured nothing more.

"Now," she continued, snapping back to business again; "We've gotten information that a number of Kazon ships are currently assembling in an area of space about four months from here. There is a possibility that they may be from the Kazon-Nistrim; Maje Culloh's Sect."

"…and Seska," Chakotay muttered. "She will be due very soon. Captain, what are you going to do?"

Kathryn raised an eyebrow. "_You_ tell _me_," she quipped… and then, she shook her head, and blinked. "I'm sorry, Commander … there's been a lot on my mind since we came back," she explained; "and I apologise for that last comment I made. It was a bit uncalled for, considering a recent complication in our circumstances. You couldn't have known…"

An alarm bell went off somewhere in the back of Chakotay's mind, but he said nothing - yet. If she didn't enlighten him later on what this 'change' was, then he definitely _would_ ask.

"Once her child is born, Seska is likely to use our concern for him as bait, to draw us into a vulnerable position." Tuvok continued. "Commander, it is still possible that the child may not be biologically yours, but if he is, have you thought of what you would do about him in this situation?"

"No," he replied, shaking his head. "There's been a lot of things happening, and I haven't had enough time to think about it. To be honest, when the captain and I were back on that planet, though I did often think about Seska and her child, I'd assumed that the matter was out of my hands, and given it no thought."

"And now that it isn't?" Kathryn asked.

"I … I still don't know what to do," Chakotay shook his head again. "I'm still getting used to the possibility of being a father. I admit that I'm finding the prospect very … overwhelming, and the fact that Seska involved me in it against my will … I'm sorry, I can't think about what to do. There are times when I wished she would just take him, and go away from me forever."

"Even if he may be your son?" she asked.

"Yes," Chakotay said, "I'm sorry. Captain … Lieutenant … this whole affair has left me feeling guilty, and also very violated. I'm still finding it very hard to come to any clarity over the issue, and I'm wary of using the Akoonah in my current state of mind."

"Don't dwell on it too much, Commander," she replied, "otherwise you may confuse yourself further."

"Nevertheless," Tuvok broke in, "this child will be born very soon. It is imperative that you find a way before then to clear your feelings on this matter, so you may come to an acceptable resolution."

"Agreed," Kathryn added. "Remember, Chakotay, we _will_ support you in your decision, whatever it is. Now, is there anything else to be discussed?"

"There is one more thing," Chakotay said; "the causality loop I was in before we were retrieved. Captain, I just want to say that I'm very happy to see you looking so well, after what happened."

"What causality loop?" Kathryn asked, puzzled; "what about me being well?"

"Don't you remember?" he asked, "You were there. I was in a causality loop that, whatever I did, ended with me being killed, usually by a venomous creature … though the last time, you tried to helped me to stop it using an anti-tachyon pulse from the shuttle, but you were stung that time, and I had to engage the pulse myself just before the shuttle's warp core breached…"

"No, I don't remember anything like that," she replied. "What I _do_ remember is that after we were beamed up, you had an allergic reaction to the anti-virus serum. The Doctor had to put you into stasis while he found a cure. It had been touch and go with you for a few days."

"There was no venom? No creature? No warp core breach?"

"No."

"Then I must be the only one who remembers … Captain," Chakotay asked, "I request permission to visit sick bay again, and have the Doctor run a full particle scan on me, plus a memory engram analysis. I want to make sure I've not just been seeing things."

"Permission granted. Come back to my ready-room as soon as you're finished. There's something I need to tell you."

"Aye, Captain." He replied.

-o0o-

Kathryn looked up from her workstation when Chakotay returned, and gave him a formal smile that didn't quite match an odd, nervous look in her eyes. He could see her workstation was switched off. He also noticed there was a medical tricorder next to it.

"The Doctor found that my Chroniton count was normal, but my memory engrams indicated that I very likely did have those experiences I mentioned. But it looks like I might have finally gotten out of that causality loop after all." he said.

"That's good to hear," she replied, sounding relieved. "Commander… could you take a seat?"

"Of course," he said.

"We need to look into doing that mineralogical survey of the next two systems that we've been putting off because of other things," Kathryn continued, in her usual businesslike tone. "Whatever we find will be worth the time and fuel expenditure. I'm not expecting to find any Dilithium or Deuterium around here, but there's sure to be something that we're going to need. And …" the briskness drained from her voice; "… as I mentioned earlier, something else has happened that you need to know about."

Kathryn picked up the tricorder, and handed it to him. "You need to see this." she said, sounding almost guilty. "The readings are mine; The Doctor found out during my physical; he took me into his office to break the news to me, while you were still under stasis. I hope you didn't mind me not informing you straight away, I needed a little time to get used to it myself."

Chakotay took one look at the readout, and then another - just to make sure his eyes weren't tricking him. It took a few seconds before what he saw sank in, and when he could finally tear his gaze from the screen and back to her, he could not mistake now what her eyes told him.

He could see that Kathryn _did_ seem somewhat shocked and vulnerable despite her outward demeanour, even a little frightened - but there was something else; joy perhaps; but if so, it was very suppressed; as if she'd just received something she wanted, but was not supposed to have. She kept her expression composed, but he wondered if she would start crying when she was alone. He … right now, Chakotay didn't really know what he felt.

"I scanned myself again several times," she assured him, "Just to make sure. Each tricorder I tried gave the same result. There's absolutely no mistake about what you're seeing."

"How do you feel about this, Kathryn?" That was all he could manage to say.

"Please don't be too hard on yourself, Chakotay," Kathryn gently replied; dodging his question. "I know we weren't planning this, and I know we'd been taking precautions, but sometimes…" she shrugged awkwardly, "The Doctor said that … a new variable can just … come along, and medications can work differently. Maybe it was the virus, maybe there's something else on the planet that's affecting the way our shots worked … we just … don't know yet."

She pushed the coffee mug aside, hid her face behind her clasped hands, and slowly shook her head. "I …" her voice cracked as her face began to crumple. "I shouldn't have let you … I shouldn't have encouraged you into this. I'm so sorry, Chakotay, I … _Chakotay!_"

Chakotay had gotten up to comfort her, but as soon as he was standing, his legs had suddenly given way under him. The tricorder hit the decking with a clatter as he dropped it to grab the table in a struggle to stay upright.

"Kathryn," he rasped, as he sank to the floor; "… get the Doctor. I … think something's … wrong!"

Kathryn hit her commbadge; "Captain to sickbay! I request an emergency transport to sickbay from my ready-room. Two to beam over; lock on to my signal and the Commander's, _now!_"

Then, she was at his side, and as Chakotay's consciousness began to fade yet again, he felt her hand shake as she rested it on his shoulder, trying to reassure him.

"Looks like a relapse," he heard her mutter; "I thought the Doctor said that you'd be over them now … hold on, Chakotay, we'll get you through this, somehow," she promised, all control again now, as the light of the transporter beam enveloped them…

-o0o- =/\= -o0o-

… Chakotay woke up to the sound of a loud, sharp whistle. He soon realised he was back on New Earth this time, and still in his bed in the shelter. It was morning, and by the look of everything around him, the loop had taken him back to an earlier date than the other times.

Blinking, he focused his sleep-bleary eyes on the source of the noise that woke him; a slim, petite figure leaning nonchalantly in the doorway of the shelter.

"Thought I'd check in to make sure you were still alive," Kathryn drawled playfully, taking her fingers out of her mouth. "Though I do admit, you looked rather sweet when you were fast asleep. I was quite reluctant to spoil the view."

"Me? _Sweet?_" He snorted in mock indignation. "Madam, I'll have you know that I'm not only an ex-starship captain, I'm also among Starfleet's most wanted!"

"Oh, I would agree with you being Starfleet's most _wanted_," she replied; "particularly by _this_ officer."

Chakotay grinned when he remembered what was coming; whatever it was that put him in this loop had, this time, taken him back to a very good day - and he hoped this also meant that he would be nowhere near that cursed bug for a while.

If his memory served him right, something was going to happen today that they'd been building up to for a while. After weeks of fading hopes, long talks and mixed feelings, they'd both begun to let go of the things they knew now they would never see again, and come to terms with their situation together. As they did so, it was as if they'd opened the door for something else to come through; something that had been growing between them for almost a year.

As they grew more relaxed with each other in the absence of other commitments, their banter had become more flirtatious, and that flirting gradually growing more serious each time … until today, when he knew things would come to a head. He realised that the anticipation of reliving this day felt almost as intoxicating as his surprise when he'd found himself actually doing it with her for the first time. First, he remembered, Kathryn would give him a mock death-glare, and say…

"I suppose I'd better fulfill my mission, then, and apprehend you." With her best Starfleet business expression, she pulled a _Leola root_ from her dress pocket, and pointed it at his chest.

"This phaser is set to stun," she sternly intoned, stepping into the shelter and over to his bunk. "Surrender your weapons, Chakotay, and come with me!"

…and then, _he_ would say…

"I don't think so," Chakotay replied, sliding quickly out of his bunk, and snatching something up from the floor. Using an old dodging trick that'd often saved his hide back in the Maquis, he slipped behind Kathryn before she could catch him, and by the time she turned around, he was out the door in a flash, and heading to the woods.

"You'll soon learn that I'm not that easily dissuaded," she said, striding after him.

"You might find it a little harder to catch me without _these_," he quipped, pausing to stand up from his cover, and showing her the shoes he'd snatched on his way out of the shelter.

"Why, you …" Kathryn growled, and then the chase was on. Chakotay was barefoot as well as she, but he was more used to going around that way, and he quickly got a good lead on her as he darted through the woods; always choosing the smoothest, grassiest track he could find, so that she had a chance to keep up with him. Losing her, after all, wasn't the point of _this_ game…

… And then, he ducked behind a large tree and pulled up again, breathing heavily, and trying to keep quiet. He could hear Kathryn's taunts and footsteps as she drew closer; she was quite a good runner herself, and her fitness had improved since they'd come here.

Had he not taken her shoes, he wouldn't have had a chance to get the lead. And that was good, because in spite of the fun he was having, he was aware that he was still reliving a time loop, and he remembered what had happened at the end of the chase the first time. The loop he'd just come out of had shown him the consequences of _that_. Much as he burned to repeat history, he knew that he had to break this game off soon, and talk to her about what was happening.

"Where are you, Chakotay?" Kathryn called; "You can't evade me forever … so you may as well turn yourself in!"

He peeked from behind a low branch, and caught a glimpse of a trim, pink-clad buttock flicking through a shaft of sunlight in the undergrowth; the gleam of a pale elbow, and a flash of auburn above it. She was getting quite close to him now…

"If you come peacefully, I may consider being more lenient with you!" she purred.

Carefully, Chakotay reached out, and hung her shoes on a twig where she would be able to easily see them. Then, he gave the trunk of the tree he'd been hiding behind a hard slap, and as she turned around and spotted him, he grinned, winked, and bolted off again through the shrubbery, headed straight for the river.

Where he waited.

When Kathryn caught up with him, Chakotay was by the riverbank, leaning against a tree, and mopping at his face with his shirt. When he saw her, he smiled, and put his hands up in mock surrender.

"Drop your weapon!" she demanded, with a lopsided grin; "by order of Starfleet!"

Chakotay opened his hand, and let his shirt fall on the sand. "Ma'am," he said, "considering the weather, and that we've both exerted ourselves, I propose that a swim in that lagoon behind me will be a better option than the brig."

"Good thinking," Kathryn replied, and ducked into some bushes to undress. He chuckled to himself at the irony of her modesty in the approaching circumstances, before going behind the tree himself to take of his own shoes and trousers.

When she emerged in her grey Starfleet-issue underwear, he was already in the water, steering himself lazily around the lagoon and enjoying the view – as, quite obviously, was she. Stripped down, he'd remembered she'd been slightly shy the first time … but he also knew that she would quickly return to her normal boldness.

"Come on in, the water's fine!" he called up to her, splashing his feet.

"I'll just give my dress a rinse first, to get the sweat out," she replied, "then I'll join you!"

"Don't take too long!" he said, and swam in circles, practicing his strokes to pass the time while she did so. Things were already going differently; the first time, they'd gone for a swim _after _the deed. This time … Chakotay knew what he had to do, but it was not going to be easy to resist the temptation.

It wasn't long before he heard a splash behind him, and soon, he felt the cool water ripple against his skin as Kathryn swam up beside him, her hair free, and swirling around her shoulders. He swung himself upright to face her, and for a moment, they trod the loose river sand and said nothing; just facing each other. Then, she reached up, and tucked back a lock of his hair that had gone out of place, and took his hand.

"About those parameters I mentioned a few weeks ago," she whispered.

This _was_ going to be hard … he reached up, and touched her cheek. "Kathryn," he said, quietly; "do you get the feeling that we've done this before?"

"Yes … yes, I do," she replied; her hand pausing over his bicep. "We… came here, we had a swim … we had a bit of fun on the grass. Although … I don't remember us going swimming first."

"I know…" he said, "I think we're in a causality loop. We've been reliving the same period of time six times now; each time it ends in my death, and then I come back here and go over it again. I've been trying to change events, but though I seem to succeed, each time I still somehow die, and the loop repeats itself."

"If that's true," Kathryn said, all seriousness now; "Then we'll need to get back to the shuttle. We can use it to emit an anti-tachyon pulse; that should break the loop and reset the normal time structure." She longingly ran her hand over the curve of Chakotay's firmly-muscled shoulder. "Much as I'd love to linger here for a while, I think we'd better do it now, before another opportunity for you to die presents itself."

"Agreed," he replied, taking her hand, and giving her palm a little tickle with his thumb. "There's more …"

"Save it for afterwards," she said, letting go of him, and turning to swim back to the shore; "we've got to go to the shuttle. If your theory's right, that's our first priority!"

-o0o-

Kathryn sat in the pilot's chair, in her still-damp underwear. Chakotay, likewise semi-clad, was in the seat next to her. "All systems are online!" she said, her fingers flying over her console; "Warp nacelles and impulse engines are on lock-off!"

"Deflector is fully online," he replied, "you may engage the pulse when ready."

"Well, let's not waste any time," she said; "engaging anti-tachyon pulse …_now!_"

A ring of white energy blossomed out from the shuttle … and then … "Okay," she said, "I think that should do it. Begin the power-down sequence."

When the vehicle was finally silent, she and Chakotay stepped out into the late morning sunshine. "Well, all this excitement has left me a bit peckish and thirsty," she said. "I'm going to risk getting some lemonade from the replicator. Want any?"

"No, thanks," he said, "but I'll have plain soda water instead; and maybe one of those black-fruits we gathered last week, if there's still any good ones left in the basket."

"Coming right up," she said, and headed over to the shelter – Chakotay taking the chance to appreciate the view of her mostly bare back and grey-panted derriere as she went. In the first timeline, he would have by now seen a lot more of her than that … those had been good times; he wished they could have relived them, but he couldn't risk it this time around, without first letting Kathryn know what he knew.

"One chilled soda with a side order of black-fruit for you, sir," Kathryn playfully said, handing him a tray with two drinks and one of the large, black persimmon-like fruits on it. She picked up her own glass, and took a long pull through its straw. "There was something more you wanted to tell me," she said, leaning back against the shuttle after she'd quenched her thirst.

"Yes," Chakotay replied, as he peeled the thick, bitter skin off his fruit, and broke the sweet, aromatic flesh into segments - making sure to remove the white nut-like seeds that their scans had shown to be toxic to humans. "It's happened at least five times, that I can remember. In most of them," he said, popping a segment into his mouth, "_Voyager_ comes back for us."

"They … do?" Kathryn slowly put her lemonade down. "Why … when?"

"Soon," he said; "about two weeks from now. The crew will put pressure on Tuvok, and he will act against your orders. They will contact the Vidiians, and receive from one of them a serum that will cure the virus. While waiting by the containers for pickup, I get stung by a venomous creature…"

"This creature, what did it look like?" she asked, cutting in.

"Like something between a spider and a wasp, but it's got no wings, and it has a sharp spike on its head." he said, swallowing, and picking up another segment; "It's also covered in black and gold fur."

"Hmmm… I might have seen something like that five days ago, when I was scanning a fruit bush. I think I remember it moving as if it was going to jump at me, but I threw a rock at it. I'm pretty sure I got it."

"You were lucky," he said; "that venom they have is very quick, and they seem to somehow be able to find the right spot to inject it into an artery. That's what killed me the first few times. In one of them, it nearly killed you as well."

"I'll remember, next time I see another one." she replied. "And what about the others?"

"In the last one, I suffered an allergic reaction to the anti-virus serum," he said. "In the one before that, I died in a shuttle explosion when I tried to use it to reset the timeline alone."

"Why didn't you get me to help you?"

"That was the one where the creature got you instead of me," he explained; "you were dying, I couldn't revive you, so I tried to use an anti-tachyon pulse to stop the loop in the hope that would bring you back. At the same time, a warp core breach happened." He washed down the last of his fruit with his soda, to clean out a sudden tang of bitterness that must have come from a piece of leftover skin.

"Did you find out anything important in the timeline where we did get back to _Voyager?_" Kathryn asked.

"No," Chakotay said, "except that unlike the others, when I mentioned the causality loop neither you, Tuvok nor the Doctor had any memories of it."

"And yet, I can remember something of it now," Kathryn said; "just as if I'd really had lived them before." She thought for a moment, and then added; "No, even though the last time was further in the future, I still should have remembered something." She looked to him; "was there anything more. When we were back on the ship?"

"Yes," he answered, trying to think of the best way to put it; "We'd discussed the possibility that Seska might be planning to trap us, then I mentioned the time loop, and when you and Tuvok said you had no memories of such, I requested a visit to sick bay to have a particle scan done, which you granted. Then, when I came back, I told you the results showed I'd cleared the time loop, but my memories were genuine. And then, you told me…"

"Yes?" she asked. "I then told you _what?_"

"You … started discussing doing some planetary surveys to replenish our resources and …then, you…"

"And then I _what?_" Kathryn was now crouched over him, one hand against the shuttle hull. She looked worried.

"Kathryn," Chakotay said, "If we'd have gone any further than we did today, back by the river, I would've probably gotten you pregnant. If not today, then it would've certainly happened another time soon. You would've only found out when the Doctor checked you over after we came back."

"Oh…" she straightened up, blinked, and folded her arms around herself – even though the weather wasn't anywhere near cold.

"You told me that the virus that infected us also reduced the effectiveness of our shots," he explained. Kathryn nodded slowly.

"It does make sense," she said, quietly, and walked a few steps away. She paused, her back to him… and then she added; "If that'd happened, it would have made things more than a little … complicated. Thank you for holding back today, Chakotay … and thank you … for warning me as well."

"That's all right," he replied, quietly. "Any time."

He heard her take a deep breath, and toss her head a little; "Well, at least we'll still have the memories from the time before…" An edge of frustration seeped from her manner, her tone, and her stance; the air around her seemed to tighten with it.

"Kathryn, are you ok?"

"I'm all right!" she growled. "Don't worry about it, Chakotay, I'll get over it! It's just that … why does everything have to always be so damned _complicated?_"

He shrugged; "Sometimes, the direction of events seem hard to fathom."

"_Sometimes?_"

Her reply was sharp, and desperate. Chakotay got up, and came over to her. Tentatively, he put a hand on her shoulder, and when she did not turn him away, he put his arms around her waist, and took her into a firm, sensual hold.

"Our ship hasn't come back yet," he said, gently; "It'll be at least another two weeks before we'll have to fall back into rank again. There should be alternatives to the shots in our database that we can replicate. I suggest that we don't waste what we've started, even if it may not last for much longer."

"And what about Mark?" she reminded him, "… now I know that I might still see him again?"

The mention of _that_ name made him start a little; he hadn't considered that she'd bounce back to _him_ so quickly.

"Sorry, Kathryn. I suppose I let myself get a little bit carried away…"

Kathryn gave a hard sigh. "I'm the one that started this," she replied, tensely. "I'm the one who wound you up, led you into this..."

"And I was a helpless victim to your charms?" Chakotay replied. "No. I am as responsible for my emotional choices as you are," he affirmed; "and anyway, how can we be sure that our recent antics _were_ completely out of place? We had no way of knowing the first time, and this time, we didn't know until today. For all we know," he added; "that anti-tachyon pulse might have also affected _Voyager_ in some other way that we don't know about. It may still be possible that we could remain here."

"Yes … I suppose so," she agreed, sadly. "And even if we will go back to _Voyager_ soon, home will still be more than sixty years' travel away. We might be fortunate enough to find some shortcuts that will get us there sooner, but by how many years? Ten, twenty? Since we've been on this planet, I've been thinking about a lot of things. About whether it is better that we take the chance of waiting … or whether we should instead take the chance of moving on. Perhaps even if we were back on _Voyager_, we would still have to face that choice. Either way, it's a gamble where things could go very wrong if they didn't turn our way. If we moved on, made new commitments, and then we found ourselves home in a few years, many of us will have to face those we turned away from."

"And yet, if we waited," Chakotay said, knowing who she was talking about; "we could still be waiting, alone, fifty or sixty years from now, while those at home might have moved on themselves."

"Have you ever been in love with someone?" Kathryn asked.

"Of course," he answered. "And I don't mean just with Seska, for what she was worth."

"Were there any of them that you would have waited sixty years for, if you knew there was a good chance you would see her again?"

"Yes," he said. "One, maybe two, without a doubt if I'd still been together with either of them now."

"And yet," Kathryn turned around to face him; "As you said, what if _they_ couldn't wait. Would it even be right to expect them to?"

"You have a point there," Chakotay agreed. "Whatever way things turn out, we need to be realistic. At some point, we'll all have to make that choice in our personal lives, and be willing to accept and deal with whatever comes of that."

"…which doesn't make our situation all that different from what it would be if we were home," she noted.

"No, it doesn't."

"Perhaps the consequences of waiting might cause far more harm in the long run, than the consequences of moving on." Reaching up, she placed a light, friendly hand on his shoulder. "What was that ancient Latin phrase? 'Carpe Diem' … 'Seize The Day'. It seems appropriate."

"Well, I'm willing to own my decisions," Chakotay said.

"And I'm willing to own mine," Kathryn said softly, with a little smile. His own smile widened, deepening his dimples. "I'll go get our clothes," he said; "they should almost be dry by now."

"They can stay out a little longer," she replied; "It's getting quite warm, and the water was pleasant in the lagoon. Perhaps we could go back there, and do some fishing, just as we are."

"That sounds more like it," Chakotay said, "But you'll have to be prepared to catch, clean and eat the fish yourself. I'll be taking a tricorder and some stasis boxes, and I'll see if I can find some edible forage near the shore."

"And I'll go… check the database … for any … _fishing lures_ I can replicate," she ventured, with a wink.

-o0o-

The mood between Chakotay and Kathryn had lightened considerably by the time they got back to the shelter. They'd spent the hottest part of the day lounging around together in the cool waters of the lagoon, and lay together under the shade of a tree until they'd dried off.

In spite of the day's sensual distractions, both of them managed to also find time to fill their bags with local vegetables and edible river creatures that would help save wear on the replicator. Plus, Chakotay'd found a bunch of purple, savoury-smelling bark fungi that smelt a lot like Earth black truffles; whilst she cleaned her own catch, Kathryn's eyes kept darting covetously over to them.

"Can you let me try just _one _piece?" she begged, after loading another tray full of 'fish' bits into the recycler.

"You've caught more than enough for several meals," he quipped, while paring a piece of bark from one of his fungi.

"There's plenty of room left in the stasis cabinet," Kathryn replied, "I'm just planning ahead. Now, _these_ look interesting…" she picked up one of the two bunched egg-cases Chakotay had gathered from the river weed, and ran a tricorder over them. "Every part of it is edible," she mused, "though the case skins would be too tough to chew. I wonder what they'd be like though if they were dried, cured and deep-fried into crisps."

Chakotay made a face at the thought as she picked up the other bunch, and scanned it … "Oh," she said; "Chakotay, _this_ bunch has half-developed babies in them. Most of them are still alive."

"I think we'd better put them back into stasis," he said; "We've gathered enough food today, so I'll return them to the river in the morning."

"Yes, please do," she asked, and went back to checking the last of the 'fish'.

"I noticed that one of those armoured 'fish' you caught today had quite a lot of roe in her," Chakotay observed.

"I noticed that too," Kathryn replied; "I've set that aside for later; I'm quite partial to caviar."

"You'll save the babies, but you'll still eat an expectant mother," he teased.

"_That's_ where you're not quite correct," she said; waggling a finger at him as she slipped into scientist-mode; "By the appearance of her internal structure, I've assumed that this fish's eggs are fertilised externally, like most fish on Earth. Anyway, such fish mate to _stop_ being gravid, which is quite the opposite of what happens with most humanoids..." she paused, and added thoughtfully; "… and I still find it hard to stop thinking about how that probably almost happened to me today."

Chakotay paused again from chopping his fungus, and noticed the mixed feelings playing across her expression. "I remember you mentioning once that you'd often thought about a family of your own," he ventured.

"I did," she admitted, "it's true, I still do want to, very much … but not out _here_, not on our own in hostile space, with a ship and a crew relying on me. I can't do that to them, they have to come first…"

"What would _you_ have done, if you'd not been pulled into this quadrant? If you'd been able to come back on schedule."

"I would've married Mark,and gone on a lot of short missions until we started a family," she replied thoughtfully. "Then, I would've probably returned to my ship as soon as the baby was old enough. I come from an old 'fleet family, and I'd been using those connections to help me with my plans. I cold pull enough strings to arrange to be kept to light assignments until I'd gotten my family established. Of course," she continued; "those plans are no longer a factor. My duties still are. By the time we get back, I'll probably be almost old enough to die. And _you_, Chakotay…"

"Still by your side, I hope." he said. Kathryn looked up from shucking the claws off a swimming 'mussel', and smiled... for a moment, and a look of concern suddenly crossed her face.

"Chakotay," she said, "how are you feeling?"

"I'm feeling ok," he replied, "why do you ask?"

"Your face. It's suddenly gone red. And you look like you're starting to sweat."

"Now you mention it," he said, "I do feel a little warm … and I've just noticed a tingling in my lips and fingers." He put down his knife, and pushed the chopped fungus away from himself in alarm.

"I don't think it's that," Kathryn said, "I've already scanned that, there's nothing in it that will cause those symptoms in a human. Take a deep breath, Chakotay. Now … breathe out."

He did so. "My chest is feeling tighter than usual," he noted, growing alarmed. "I wonder…"

"Wonder what?" she asked.

"When I was eating that blackfruit earlier today, I bit into something bitter. I thought at the time it was a piece of the skin, or an insect …"

"Hold on," Kathryn ordered; she already had a tricorder on, and scanning slowly over his torso. "I'm picking up traces of a slow-acting alkaloid. I'm going to put it through the database once I've finished. How's your breathing now?"

"It's a bit harder now," Chakotay wheezed; "it's beginning to feel like I've just run a marathon. And I'm feeling hotter as well."

"Ok, I'll run this through," she said, taking the tricorder over to a workstation. "In the meanwhile, try to relax!"

That was easier said than done; he could feel his chest tighten further, and he was beginning to become nauseous and giddy as well. "Kathryn," he gasped, gripping the table to keep steady.

"Hold on, Chakotay," she said, studying the screen; "I've got a match. It looks like that bitterness you tasted was an immature blackfruit seed. It wouldn't take effect as soon as a mature one, but once it has, the toxins will work just as fast. You're going to need an immediate course of hyposprays. Chakotay, I'm going to need you to … _Chakotay?_"

Chakotay stood over his slumped body as Kathryn darted over to the replicator, and barked her requests into its computer. He watched as she desperately applied the three hyposprays, and, when she got still no response, scrambled in her medkit for a stimulator – which didn't work either.

"Damn you! Don't you die on me!" she snarled through gritted teeth as she reapplied another hypospray … then another jolt from the neural stimulator. Next, she pulled him out of his chair and onto his back on the floor, and after she checked his mouth for debris, she knelt over him, pushing onto his chest, breathing a couple of times, and then pushing desperately back on his chest again. "You damn well _hold on_, Chakotay, _you hear me?_ Hold … _On!_"

Chakotay crouched next to her, able to do nothing except put a hand on Kathryn's shoulder that she would not feel, and watch on as she desperately tried to resuscitate his body. As she gradually tired, he whispered an apology in her ear as she pumped away, and it was only then that he looked down at his shirt, and noticed the dark spots of moisture that spattered it. Her tears; he could see them now making wet lines down her cheeks, dripping off her nose and chin, or falling straight from her eyes while she grimly kept up her work in silence.

"Kathryn…" he whispered again; "I'm so sorry. I'm _so_ sorry…"

He looked down at his body again, and again at the stricken face of the woman whose name had been the last thing he'd spoken. He knew, somehow, that it was already too late – the toxins had already irreversibly necrotized his nervous system. Even if she'd been put him into one of the two stasis pods, all she would be doing was preserving a corpse.

He knelt down again, and gently took a hold of her, and tried to guide her off his body before she run herself to exhaustion. His hands went through her; her body felt like a warm, dense cloud to him. He tried again to whisper to her, tell her, scream out to her that she had to stop, that she was only wearing herself out. She did not hear him.

All he could do was sit with her, and wait until exhaustion finally forced her to falter, and stop. She fumbled another hypospray and stimulant into him, and weakly tried again… and then, she collapsed. For a few minutes, she lay over him, her face on his chest. There was silence, except for an occasional sob that he could barely hear, though whenever she did so, her whole body jerked with the force of her grief.

"Kathryn … I'm sorry," - though he knew she could not hear him.

Eventually, Kathryn got up, and leaned heavily over the table for a minute or so while she got her strength back. Slowly, she walked over to the bunks, took a blanket off his bed, and carefully laid it over his body, closing its eyes before she covered his face. She then went outside, to the shuttle, and took an antigrav stretcher from there. She used it to carry his body back, and sealed it in one of the pods. After that, she returned to the shelter, turned on the workstation, and sat down.

"Personal log, Kathryn Janeway, former captain of the _USS Voyager_, Stardate 49681.6" she said, quietly. "It is with great regret that I record the death of former Commander Chakotay at twenty-hundred hours and forty-three minutes, most likely from accidental ingestion of a local plant toxin. All attempts to revive him were unsuccessful. His body will be placed in indefinite stasis, and a copy of this and other relevant logs will be included in the pod's database. As his former captain, his friend and confidant, and in recent days, much more than that, I consider it my duty to share some words in honour of the man that he was, and the life that he led…"

When Kathryn eventually finished her entry and saved it, she turned off the workstation and sat for a few hours, staring blankly into space, until she was so tired that she passed out on the table. For the rest of the night, he stayed by her side, watching her as she slept. Several times, he glanced back at the little black bugs that were now swarming over the fungus he'd been chopping just before he died, hoping they wouldn't get all over her…

-o0o- =/\= -o0o-

… Chakotay woke up with a start, and got up off the grass. The last thing he'd remembered was watching Kathryn, but there was no sign of her, or their shelter… or anything else. Looking frantically around, he spotted a large patch of disturbed ground near where the shelter must have been; it must have been what was left of Kathryn's garden. He ran over to it, but found nothing, only sprouting weeds and phaser burns.

"Kathryn!" he called, over and over, but got no answer. He was alone; _Voyager _must have come back for her some time while he was out. She would have beamed up to join the others, and left him behind. He was now alone, to haunt this place, possibly forever…

Rage and terror boiled up from his insides at what had been done to him. "_Nooo!_" he bellowed, searching the skies, the forest, the hills, for whoever or whatever was responsible for putting him in this hellish situation. "Whatever you are, whoever you are, tell me why you are doing this? Answer me, _now!_"

The hills echoed Chakotay's shouts until they faded off. He was answered by the sound of the wind through the trees, birdsong, and distant monkey chatter - nothing else. He recognised a tree by where the shelter had been; the one beneath which he and Kathryn had first seriously flirted. He remembered the little half-hide and seek, half-chase game she'd led him on after that, romping through the woods like teenage cadets. Then, behind that tree, he saw the gleam of something dark on the ground a few paces away. It looked almost like … cautiously, he went over to investigate.

It was a plaque he'd seen, of replicated black marble; the kind commonly used on Starfleet graves. There were still traces of boot prints in the sod around it, as there would have been after a funeral service, and the remains of replicated flowers that the primates hadn't picked to pieces, all by now well-faded.

As he wiped the leaves, petals and offering dishes off the plaque's surface, he saw that there was a name engraved into the surface - only one, and it was his; Chakotay: 2329 - 2372.

_I'm dead_, he thought. _I really am dead. It's final. I can't do anything else, now__._

Slowly, he stood up, and looked around the forest. "Kathryn … everyone … if I am dead, then please don't forget me," he whispered as his rage dissolved between the memories of that place and the weight of the grief that followed.

"You know that you don't have to stay here, son," said another, familiar voice - in a language that he hadn't heard for almost three years. "There is another place for you to go to now, if you just follow me."

"Father?" he said, startled, and turned around to face his visitor. It was Kolopak, his father … or if not, then someone, or some_thing_ who looked a lot like him.

"Who are you?" Chakotay demanded.

"I would've thought that you'd still recognise me, even though we've been apart all these years," Kolopak answered. "Son, who do you _think_ I am?"

"I don't know," Chakotay replied, "for all I know, you could be a dream, or a hallucination, or an alien impersonator."

Kolopak shook his head, and smiled. "I know that, even with your spiritual training, an experience like this can still be a shock," he said, holding out his hand, "but you need to understand that if what your eyes are showing you is true, then you must also accept that this means you are dead now. You can't remain here son, and I've come to guide you out of this place where you no longer belong."

"I need proof."

"Then proof you shall have," Kolopak said, "ask me a question."

"When Sekaya was born, what did you say to me?"

"That you had a sister, and that she would not want to box with you when she was older," Kolopak replied.

"And what happened after that?" Chakotay asked.

"When you were both grown, you taught her to box after you'd heard rumours that the Cardassians wanted our world. You didn't expect her to be as fast with her hands as she was, and she bloodied your nose when you didn't dodge in time."

"I remember that day," Chakotay said, "she made me a poultice afterwards to help me heal after the deep tissue regenerator we had malfunctioned."

"Do you trust your eyes now?" Kolopak said.

"What happened when we went deer hunting in the hills north of our town, the week after I told you I'd been accepted into Starfleet Academy?" Chakotay shot back.

"You did not speak to me the entire time," Kolopak replied, "and I only spoke with you to give you orders – which you obeyed, in silence."

"Father," Chakotay said, "it _is_ you, isn't it?"

"Now do you see?"

Chakotay shook his head; "You seem to be genuine, but I … I'm still not sure. I've just been through several time loops where I died each time. This is the first time that _you _appeared."

"That should tell you that this time, there is no return."

Chakotay was silent for a moment as he let the meaning of his father's words sink in. "I … don't know," he replied; "I don't know if I'm ready yet to leave the people I know."

Kolopak nodded in the direction of the plaque. "This _is_ your grave?" he asked.

"Yes," Chakotay answered.

"And, I presume, that it is _your_ body beneath it?"

"It would be."

"Then the next step is simple," Kolopak said. "Now you have acknowledged that you are dead, the next step is for you to follow me to the afterlife."

"No," Chakotay said; "Not yet, please. Come back later, I'm not ready now. I can't explain; I just seem to _know_ it. It doesn't feel like my time."

"Looking at you," Kolopak said, and – nodding again to the grave; "and looking at _that_, I'd say that it _is_ your time, regardless of whether you feel that way about it or not."

"Father," he said, "I don't want to go just yet!"

"You don't have much choice," Kolopak replied.

Looking desperately up, Chakotay saw something high in the sky catch the sun's light. Kolopak also saw it.

"Your ship is up there," he noted. "They are holding your memorial service right now, but when they are finished, they will leave for Earth."

"Take me there." Chakotay pleaded. "Please, I need to see my friends again. I need to be with them, maybe I can still help them somehow."

"I will not." Kolopak instead gestured instead toward a clearing, and Chakotay saw a disc of fiery light appear between the trees. "Not when there is a greater place awaiting you," he said, "follow me into this light, and you will be able to watch over your flesh-bound colleagues from the afterlife, surrounded by the family and friends of your own who have passed on there, and who are waiting for you now. You can still be there to help them cross over when their own times arrive. Come with me, son. This gate will not harm you."

"No," Chakotay said, looking into the fire; "Not yet. Please, I want to have some time with my friends on _Voyager_ one last time before I go. I need to see Kathryn, and say goodbye to her. I also have to find my Maquis friends, wherever they are, and say goodbye to them as well."

"Many of those last friends that you mentioned are also waiting for you in the afterlife," Kolopak said. "So come, the longer you delay this transition, the harder for you it will be."

"Take me up to _Voyager_ first father, I need to see them!"

"I will not."

"Why won't you?" Chakotay asked, puzzled; "you never had any trouble meeting me when I used the Akoonah, on _Voyager _or anywhere else. Now that we're together again in the realm of spirit, I can't see why we can't just as easily visit my ship, or my Maquis comrades. What is stopping me from doing that before I go to the afterlife? Why can't I even visit them from there? Why does this have to be so final?"

"It is not as simple as that," Kolopak calmly said, and before he could continue …

… _without warning, everything around Chakotay changed in a flash, and he found himself on his back in Voyager's sick-bay; a battery of biobed instruments covering his body and scalp. Kathryn was there, standing well back to keep out of the medical team's way._

"_Doctor__,__ it's working!" he heard Lieutenant Paris say; and he saw her set expression soften slightly at the news __…_

"… What? Father, what was that?" he asked, as everything returned to what it was before.

"What was what?" Kolopak calmly replied.

"Everything changed. I was back on _Voyager_. In sickbay. I was on a biobed, there were instruments over me, Kathryn was watching, I heard Paris say that a hypospray was working, and then… I came back here!"

"An illusion," Kolopak said. "A part of your subconscious mind is still refusing to accept the fact of your death. Don't worry, my son, and don't try to fight it, just follow me. Once we pass through to the light…" - he gestured again to the gate of fire; "…you will not need to struggle with yourself, because by then you will fully understand, and it will not be a problem."

"Father, are you sure?" Chakotay said, "it felt very real to me."

"You are clinging to a false hope. I went through the same thing when I died. I too had flashes of my old life, but after enough time, I came to realise that I had to move on. You must too, or you will have a long time to regret it while your spirit slowly fades."

"How do I know which is true and which is false?" Chakotay replied; "for all I know, that flash I just had could be the reality, and all this _here_ could be the illusion. I need more proof before I …"

… "_Apply the neural stimulator again!" the Doctor ordered, and he felt Paris's hands grip his head to steady it.__ He couldn't see where Kathryn was. "Lieutenant," he tried to say, but he could barely get his lips to move; "I'm here," he mumbled; "tell me what's happening to me__…"_

… and then Chakotay was back on New Earth. "It's happened again," he said, "and it was the same scene. I was in _Voyager's_ sick bay again, and they were trying to revive me."

Kolopak opened his mouth to reply, and …

… _Chakotay__'s eyes found__ the business-end of a medical tricorder humming over his face._

"_The __neural parasite is still fighting back," the Doctor said, "but I think we've got it by its Achilles heel. Another Cordrazine, Mr Paris…"_

"Parasite…" Chakotay said, slowly. "I just heard the Doctor say I had a neural parasite. Now I wonder…"

He faced Kolopak, eyes blazing. "How do I know that you are who you say that you are?" he demanded. "How do I know that you really are my father, and not an impostor? What proof do you have?"

"I can tell you of a time when you were a boy; we went hunting deer together, and you startled the herd because you'd stepped in a bear turd," Kolopak said.

"That did happen," Chakotay replied, "many times when we hunted. The woods were full of well-fed bear, as I recall."

"Then, there was the time that you found an owl feather between the rocks, when I took you out to cut deadwood to bring back for the fires."

"That happened as well," Chakotay said, "but any powerful telepath could have taken that information from my memories. That is still not proof enough for me that you are real!"

"Silence!" Kolopak snapped, "this is taking too long, and we are running out of time! We have to go now!"

"You are _not_ my father." Chakotay snarled back; "You _are_ a parasite; an alien parasite of a kind we haven't studied yet. I don't know where you come from, or what brought you to us, but if you are, I bet that you've been hanging around us for months, maybe even the last two years, like a vulture, waiting for that moment of weakness when you can come in and finish one of us off. Am I right?"

'Kolopak' smirked. "A very apt observation," he drawled, "but I'm afraid it's not going to help you much. Your body is currently rotting under that stone, and your spirit has nowhere else to go. So you can either make this hard for me, or make it easy for yourself. You don't have much choice in the matter."

"Like hell I don't!"

… _Chakotay blinked, and saw Kathryn looking down at him, her lips set in a thin line._

"_He'__s coming to again," he heard the Doctor say, 'but the parasite is proving to be quite stubborn. He's not out of the woods just yet."_

_She put her hand on his cheek. "Fight it, Chakotay," she said, calmly and firmly. "You can do it. Fight it, don't let it take you." She blinked once, then again. He felt something wet hit the tip of his nose…_

… "Oh no," Chakotay said to the parasite; "No, I won't make it easy for you. So long as I still have the choice, I will make this whole little hunt of yours hard, as hard for you as I can possibly make it. Did you really think that a warrior like me would simply give himself away to a scavenger like you, just like that? If you did, then expect to be disappointed!"

"But you are underestimating me," the parasite replied; "I have taken harder prey than you. Now come!"

"That fire," Chakotay continued; "I'm guessing that is what sustains you, isn't it? My people have studied similar life forms before. That so-called gateway to the afterlife actually is the entry to your matrix, the one you feed to maintain yourself. All those vulnerable souls that you come to when they're on the edge of death, pretending to be their guide in their time of need … you really collect them, so they can be fed to that thing!"

"And the process is quite painless," the parasite replied; "or at least, as far as I've observed, since this matrix, as you guessed, sustains me, not the other way around. Who knows, maybe those souls don't really get destroyed when I take them in, just translated into a higher form of energy. Not that this really concerns me as much as sustaining the matrix. Now, since it looks like you won't come willingly, I'm going to have to make you comply!"

"No!" Chakotay roared …

… "_No… no!" he __mumbled, rolling his head weakly as Paris applied another hypospray to his neck. Kathryn's hands cupped his cheek, the way she did once before she'd kissed him, back on the planet. But this time, her expression was steely, not soft. _

"_You'__re getting there," she said; "Keep fighting that thing, don't give up, you're almost there Chakotay …"_

… "And I've just realised another thing," he said to the parasite, as things shifted back to 'New Earth'; "I don't think that you can force me into that matrix. I think that you have to trick and bluff your victims to do it. If they realise what's happening, and resist, you can't make them go."

"And what if you die in that sick-bay up there?" the parasite snarled, stepping toward him.

"Then I'd rather haunt the ship as a free spirit, and keep watch over my friends, and continue to help them in whatever way I can, than surrender to your trap!" Chakotay replied. "If you think that you really have the power to force me to go in, then come here and take me. Let's see if you can!"

The parasite gave him a look of pure venom. "I can try," it hissed, and then the creature sprang at him. He stood his ground as its cold hands seized him, and began to pull at him, its fingers slipping weakly through his body as it tried to keep its grip.

"_Keep fighting it, bi__g fella!" Paris's hand slapped lightly at his face, trying to wake him up. Behind him, Kathryn stood silently, with her arms folded. Her eyes never left him, and though her face was a mask, a wet line shone down one of her cheeks…_

"You _can't_ make me go." Chakotay said as the parasite drew back from him. "You have no power over me."

"One day," it snarled, "it _will_ be your time. And that day, I will be there."

"I'll trust you on that," he replied; "and I'll be ready. Somehow, I don't think you'll have any more power over me then than you have now. Get away from me, coward, and don't think I won't be warning others about the existence of your vile kind!"

"_I will be waiting for you!_" the parasite snarled. "_Next time, do not be so sure that you will be able to_…"

…But before it could finish its sentence, the creature vanished, along with its matrix, the forest, and everything else around him…

-o0o- =/\= -o0o-

… Chakotay woke in sickbay, and the first thing he saw was the Doctor's face grinning above him.

"Welcome back, Commander!" he cheerfully greeted; "We almost lost you a couple of times. Thankfully, when you were bitten by that insectoid, the Captain had the presence of mind to apply an oxygen infuser, and then land the shuttle next to where you fell so she could drag you into one of the stasis pods stored in it. Her quick thinking bought you the time we needed to get within transporter range so we could beam you straight to sick-bay"

"She then put an emergency call out to _Voyager_," Kes added, looking up from her workstation.

"From there," the Doctor continued, "I was able to obtain via subspace all the information I required to treat the venom. That part was easy enough, but we didn't count on having to deal with the alien parasite as well."

"But you put up one hell of a fight," Paris said, from the other side of the biobed. "Whatever you did, sir, you sure sent that thing packing!"

"We had a brief discussion, and I won the argument, that was all," Chakotay replied as Kes released the biobed instruments. He sat up, rubbing his face, as the Doctor scanned him again.

"There seem to be no remaining traces of either the venom or the parasite," the EMH said, "but just to be sure, I'm temporarily relieving you of duty for forty-six hours, and you will spend the next twenty-four of those in sickbay, resting under my observation. That is an order from your Chief Medical Officer, Commander."

"Understood," Chakotay replied, sitting up. "Where's Kath… sorry, where's the captain?" he asked, looking around.

"I'm here, Chakotay," a calm, husky voice answered from somewhere behind him. "I chose to stay out of the way, and let the medics do their work."

"Captain," he said, acknowledging Kathryn as she came around to the bedside.

"I echo everyone else's sentiments," she replied; "It's good to have you back. You had us quite worried for a while."

"Are we still over New Earth?" he asked. She shook her head. "We've left the system two days ago, after we beamed everything up and collected enough samples," she said; "all bioscreened, of course. We didn't want anything like that virus to follow us onboard."

"The virus?" he asked.

"The Vidiian serum cured us," she answered; "The Doctor checked us thoroughly after we were treated; we're both free of it."

"That's good to know," he replied; and then with a jolt of realisation, he remembered something. "Captain," he said, "did the virus have any remaining side-effects?"

"What do you mean?" she warily replied.

"Any alterations of the body's metabolic, neurochemical or hormonal systems," he explained. "Reproductive disruptions, anything like that."

Kathryn suddenly looked at the Doctor. The EMH, mysteriously taken aback, glowered back at Chakotay. "I'm sure you can wait until I have the full medical report prepared," he snapped.

"Just asking, Doctor." Chakotay replied, puzzled at the Doctor's strangely abrupt reaction, before looking questioningly back at Kathryn.

"Don't worry, Commander, you just inadvertently stumbled into a small confidentiality matter," she cryptically explained to Chakotay, and then added; "Doctor, he couldn't have known; he was only guessing."

"I was." Chakotay replied, now curious – and alarmed - about the secret the Doctor seemed to share with his captain. "I think I'd better explain myself. When I was affected by the parasite, I experienced a number of repeated time episodes that seemed like being in a temporal loop. In some of them, there were … additional consequences to some of the things that happened on the planet. Captain, I request to have a private moment with you; I need to do some reality checking."

"Request granted," she said, exchanging another look with the EMH. "Doctor, Kes, Lieutenant, could you please leave the Commander and I alone for a moment. There are some things that we need to discuss in private."

"You heard the Captain," the Doctor said, looking at Kes and Paris. "Go. I'll call you back to duty when they reactivate me after they've finished."

When the sickbay was finally clear, Kathryn turned back to Chakotay, her arms still folded.

"Chakotay," she said; "before you start, there's something you need to know, about one of the things we did back on that planet."

-o0o-

_**Five Weeks Later:**_

Chakotay's commbadge chimed late one morning, while he was busy going over some improvements Torres wanted to make to the plasma couplings.

"Chakotay here," he said, hitting his badge.

"_Commander, it's Janeway_," Kathryn's voice replied; "_could you come to my ready room when you__'__re finished?_"

"I shouldn't be long," he said. "I'll be over as soon as I'm finished in engineering."

"_I'll be expecting you then_," she replied, "_Janeway out_."

"Now," Chakotay said, returning to Torres; "…as I was saying, I think we should be able to spare the extra power to temporarily depolarise the conduit containment lines, but before we try replicating a new alloy for that cracked dilithium bracket, I think we should run it past the captain."

"Speaking of the captain," Torres replied; "Chakotay, may I have permission to make a personal observation?"

"Permission granted," he said.

"I've noticed that she's not looking herself lately," she ventured, in a lowered voice. "She seems unusually tired and distracted, especially over the last two weeks. Do you know if there's anything wrong with her?"

"I've noticed it too, B'Elanna," he replied, "and no, I don't. But I'm sure that whatever it is, she will let me know should it become serious enough. She might just have a passing bug."

"I hope so, if it is just that," Torres said. "But it's been a few weeks since you both came back from that planet, and she seems to be getting worse. It's possible that Vidiian serum might not be as fully effective on humans; the virus could have come back, or there could be something else … that …" she struggled to put her question diplomatically, and Chakotay, realizing where she was heading, knew that he had to get to the point first.

"Lieutenant," he asked, "have there been more personal rumours about me and the captain?"

"Yes," she admitted, "apart from the usual minor ones that have been going around for the last two years, since you and she came back from that stranding, the speculation's intensified a lot."

"They are understandable to a point," he admitted. "Had we remained there, in time there would have been some truth to them - but no, nothing is happening between us now, not while we're on this ship."

"There's been some more," Torres added, "newer ones … about the captain's condition."

Chakotay paused for a second. "How have you responded to them?" he asked, carefully.

"I do what I can to discourage them," she replied, "but it's becoming more difficult. It's been five weeks since the two of you were stranded together, and all of a sudden she's become a lot less energetic than she normally is, and she's also starting to look very pale and haggard, like she's recovering from Arcturian pox. Ensign Jurot's also commented in confidence about some empathic impressions she'd received from the captain that concerned her. And Neelix mentioned yesterday that he's hardly seen her eat in the mess hall in the last two weeks, and that she's been visiting the ablutions more than usual. Some people are starting to come to conclusions."

Chakotay looked away. Kathryn had told him weeks ago that she would make a decision about the baby, but she obviously hadn't yet. The waiting had put him increasingly on edge, and it was starting to worry him that he hadn't heard anything about it yet.

He'd also noticed many of the signs Torres had just mentioned, and he knew the longer she delayed, the harder it would be for them both. He couldn't understand what was holding her, it just wasn't like the captain to vacillate. He wanted to swear, to thump the console to alleviate his frustration, but keeping his expression as calm as he could, he said; "Continue to discourage those rumours, Torres. That's an order."

"Yes, sir."

"If the captain does have any further news regarding her health, she will inform the crew appropriately. Otherwise, I advise that in the future such speculations be treated as false."

"Yes, sir." Torres replied, while she gathered the PADDS together.

"If that's all," Chakotay said, "you may proceed with the depolarisation, and I'll tell the captain about your bracket alloy. I'll be on my way, but keep me informed of your progress."

"I will sir." she said; "…and Chakotay?"

"Yes, B'Elanna?"

"Permission to speak freely, sir."

"Permission granted."

"If the captain … is," she said, "…and she can't keep it, she doesn't have to … I'm sorry, what I meant was, there are some women I know in engineering who would be very happy to … carry it instead. Two of them I would recommend. They would take very good care of it. If she wanted, I could put whoever she chose on less risky duties, and re-delegate her shift hours so she can have more rest and time for the baby."

"I understand your concerns," Chakotay replied, "but unless the captain informs me otherwise, there's no need to make such preparations. You can put your mind at ease, B'Elanna, and tell any others participating in the rumours to do the same."

"Thank you, sir."

-o0o-

The turbolift seemed to take an eternity to reach the main deck. By the time Chakotay was outside Kathryn's ready-room and reaching for the door chime, he was so distracted in his thoughts that everything felt unreal, as though he was dreaming it. He did not register her first reply, and Kathryn had to open the door and address him face to face before he broke out of his daze.

"I'm sorry, captain," he said as he took the seat she offered. "I was a bit distracted."

"No need to apologise. Considering the events of the past few weeks, you have every reason to be." she stated as she sat down, and folded her arms on the table. "I suppose you want to know why I've called you here."

"Is it about the baby?" he asked. "Our baby, not Seska's. Have you decided?"

Kathryn shook her head. "No," she replied, "I haven't decided, and yes, I did call you in to talk about the baby, because I realised that I've been leaving you out of the decision process when it's your child too. One that _both_ of us willingly, if rather unwittingly participated in making. Before I make any choice, I want to know what _your_ thoughts and feelings are about it."

After a pause, Chakotay said "Before this year, I'd never given fatherhood much thought. When I was first in Starfleet, I'd always thought my career would be enough to satisfy me. When I joined the Maquis, I was willing to give my life fighting the Cardassians for the sake of my family and friends. As I grew older, I'd often wondered about whether I would ever one day find a suitable woman to be my life partner, but I'd always assumed that by the time I ever did settle down, I would be past the age for starting a family."

Something in Kathryn seemed to break a little as he spoke, though she masked it well. He noticed a slight drop of her shoulders, a lowering of her eyes, and her tone of voice seemed flatter as she replied; "I understand, Chakotay, and thank you for telling me. Knowing this will make the decision much easier for me. I don't like the idea of putting the embryo into stasis when we might later need her on the crew when she's grown, and I prefer to give her to a woman who's in a less dangerous position than mine. Whoever you nominate, I will trust your judgement and I will also personally ensure that both she and her child will get the best care and support possible on this ship."

"Her," Chakotay said, "…you said 'her'. Is it a girl?"

Kathryn smiled and nodded. "I was hoping to keep it a secret, but I suppose it just slipped out. Yes, it's a girl. And like a fool, I'm already dreaming up names for her."

"Mayan ones, I hope," Chakotay said, with a small grin.

"Irish ones," Kathryn replied, and then her smile faded. "But I shouldn't be doing that. Though I welcome the birth of any new child on _Voyager_, I cannot allow my own ability to do my duties be compromised, which are first and foremost to the welfare and survival of everyone on this ship, not just her. That is why I can't keep her; so that neither she nor my crew are neglected. She must go to someone else. Someone who will have more time to give her the level of devotion and care she will need."

As she spoke, something niggled uncomfortably at the back of Chakotay's mind, and he decided to speak up. "Kathryn," he said, "I understand your reasons, but something is bothering me about your plans, and I need to know if there are some things you'll do for her when you carry them out."

"Ask away," she said.

"If you give her away to someone else to bear, will you later tell her who it was that began her life, and how she first came about? When she is old enough to understand, will you let her know that she is the result of an act of love, and that the only reason why that love between the parents who created her had to end was duties …and circumstances, over which she had no control?" Chakotay's voice slowly rose as he spoke, and he found it hard to hold back.

"Chakotay," Kathryn whispered, "I … of course I would. She would know as soon as she could understand it. And if you want to be a father to her, you'll have my full support. I'm sure we can work something out with her surrogate…"

"But what about _us?_" he continued, "and what about _you?_ You admitted once that you'd often thought about having children. How do you feel about giving this one away?"

Kathryn's lips thinned into a down-curved line. "My obligation to the people on this ship comes first," she coldly replied. "Believe me, Chakotay, I would do anything to protect this child. I also feel the same way about this crew. I am responsible for them both, and if I must forgo my maternal rights for their welfare, then I will do so."

"And _us?_"

"Do you still remember the conversation we had just before leaving New Earth?"

"I haven't forgotten it," Chakotay bitterly replied.

"Then that is where the matter of 'us' must remain," she said. "Now, Chakotay, do you wish to stay involved with this child?"

He took a few moments to think, knowing Kathryn would give him all the time he needed. Two and a half years ago, he would have certainly refused; during that time, he was too focused on fighting and staying alive to take on such a commitment.

Even now, there was a small part of him that still wanted out – he was deeply wounded by Seska's violation, and he feared the demands she'd make on him and all the others on _Voyager_ once _her_ child arrived. But the weeks spent waiting on Kathryn's decision had forced him to think seriously about the issue, and confront his own doubts.

He could not forget the acts of love that made this child who was a part of him and the woman before him, whom he still loved. He knew that he couldn't bring himself to turn his back on her, and unlike his captain, his own responsibilities did allow him some more leeway to make time for a child. He looked Kathryn in the eye, and said; "Yes."

"Well, then the first thing that'll have to be done is to work out the adjustments that'll need to be made to your schedule," she replied, "because you'll need the extra free time to assist the baby's mother in her care after she's born. I can delegate your less essential duties to Tuvok, Ayala, Kim and myself. You will also need to work out the parameters of your relationship with her next mother. I myself will abide by whatever such parameters she will set for me. As her pregnancy progresses, she may not want her captain getting between her and her child."

Kathryn paused after saying that, and gazed into space for a second or two. "I suppose with the baby around, we also won't be able keep the liaison we had on that planet a secret anymore," she continued, changing the subject slightly; "but I consider that a minor issue. If I emphasise in the report that we'd fully expected to remain there, the crew should be more accepting of what happened between us."

"Kathryn," Chakotay pressed, "what about you?"

"She will know the circumstances of her conception when she is old enough to understand." Kathryn repeated, dodging the issue. "If she wants to have a closer relationship to me after then … I will be available to her … sorry," she rested her forehead in her hand for a moment, and shook her head. "I'm sorry, Chakotay, I'll be better in a moment. I admit this isn't going to be easy for me …"

"I don't think this solution is going to work. I think you should not go ahead with it."

Kathryn looked up. "I will _make_ it work," she snapped, "one way or another. I will _not_ let this child miss out on more than any other child on this ship would, just because the woman who conceived her is the captain. Unless you have a better idea, Commander, this will remain my decision."

"Kathryn, it is clear to me that you already love this child very much," he replied. "You may not be able to let go of her as well as you might believe that you can. May I suggest a better alternative? If you had someone by your side who was fully committed to help you with your child, would you keep her?"

"Please don't do this, Chakotay," she replied, wiping her eyes, "it's making it harder. I've gone over that option, and if there was someone, then of course I would. But who on this ship would be suitable, and willing to give up most if not all of their personal time to help look after a baby that isn't theirs?"

"If I can help a surrogate raise my daughter, then I can help her mother do it," he said. "As for the crew taking the news of our intimacy, I agree that most of them will have enough empathy and understanding to accept what we did while we were in that situation. They'd know that we weren't in a command structure, that we were alone together and attracted to each other, and that we couldn't have known then that our shots wouldn't work. They would understand, and not respect us any less or hold it against us. Even if we might not be able to continue as an intimate couple, we can at least try to raise our child together, as her parents. I am willing to make the necessary sacrifices for her, and I know that you would as well. I know it won't be easy for either of us, but I believe that we will manage. After all, so far we've done a fair job of being like a mother and father to this crew. With enough help and some adjustments, neither she nor they should have to miss out."

Kathryn stared at the table from behind her hand. She was silent, but seemed to be listening, so Chakotay pushed on with his point.

"Kathryn," he continued, "You know what you really want in this, and I also believe that if you go against your needs, you will soon regret it, and a lot more so than you think. I know you are concerned about the effect on command integrity if our relationship became too close, but we will have to risk that if we are be good parents our child. Anyway, if that happens, we can discuss it with Ayala and Tuvok, they will be sure to have some good ideas about how to solve any conflicts of interest. The same goes for the suggestions you made about sharing duties to let the mother have the extra time she'll need. Only this time, that will benefit you."

She looked glumly up at Chakotay. "How can I possibly be both a good mother and a decent captain?" she asked, "especially when we're alone out here, with enemies on our tail nearly every week?"

"I believe that with everyone on this ship behind you, you can be both," he replied, "it worked with Ensign Wildman, and it will work with you; I've seen what you're capable of, and I believe that with enough help, you can do it. I have also not forgotten the promise I made to help ease your burdens, and I intend to keep it. Especially now."

To emphasise his point, he reached out over the table with an open hand. "If we are sensible, and know when to ask for help, we can look after both this ship _and_ its newest crewmember together. What do you say, Kathryn?"

"It's not going to be easy to implement your suggestion," she cautiously replied.

"You've never backed away from a difficult decision before, if you knew it was the better way," he said. "Do you believe that the supportive partnership I've suggested will be better than giving away a child that you want?"

Kathryn tentatively reached over to take his hand, and paused. "This is a lifelong commitment that you are bringing yourself into, not just to this child, but to me as well. You are right, I want to keep our child, but I can't do it alone _and_ carry my other responsibilities. Whatever other relationships you may wish to pursue in the future, and whatever else may happen between us, are you willing to stay by my side as a friend, and be fully committed to helping me as a parent as well as an officer?"

"Yes," Chakotay said, "for as long as I am able, and for as long as I live."

"Are you sure you don't want to take some more time to think about this?" she pressed; "If I go ahead with this, I'll soon be asking a lot more from you over the next few months, and that'll only be the beginning."

"Captain, this is just a pregnancy, not a Kazon siege. I'm sure we'll manage."

"And afterwards?" she insisted; "when the sleepless nights and the crying and the dirty bottoms start? What if I should go into labour during a crisis?"

"Then I'll follow protocol, and take command until you're able to resume your duties," he replied. "We're both Starfleet trained, we've both fought the Cardassians, the Kazon and the Vidiians, and we've so far survived two years in the Delta Quadrant. I'm sure that together, we can handle _this_."

"We can't be sure," Kathryn replied, "this is _parenthood_ we're talking about, and neither of us are exactly veterans in that field." But this time, there was a hint of dry humour in her tone, and as she spoke, she gave him the second smile he'd seen on her that week.

"You have a point about that," he said, relieved that he'd finally convinced her to cross that barrier. The next hurdle, that of addressing the intimacy they'd shared and the love he still felt for her, he decided to let slide - for now. But he knew it would have to be faced later, when the time came. Right now, he was just happy that she'd accepted his proposal, and turned away from a decision that would've brought her unnecessary grief.

"And thank you, Kathryn," he added.

"No, thank _you_, Chakotay," she replied, as she took his hand and smiled again.

-o0o-

_**One Year Later:**_

… Chakotay woke up, and looked down at his slightly rumpled dress uniform. "Don't go falling asleep on us _again_ now, big guy!"- That was Tom who spoke, whilst shaking his shoulder.

"Sorry," he replied; "I guess I'm not used to combining Antarian cider with late nights."

"Your blushing bride doesn't appear to be so adversely affected," Tom noted.

"That is not surprising," Tuvok added, as they watched the Captain mingling with her crew in the mess hall reception party, looking trim and elegant in her own dress whites. "Unlike you, Mr. Paris," the Vulcan continued; "she has fully abstained from consuming alcohol. Therefore, her neurological functions are not as compromised."

"_Blushing_ bride?" Chakotay retorted, with mock incredulity. "Watch what you say about your captain, Lieutenant, or I'll have you on report!"

"Aye, sir!" Tom replied, with fake contrition. He took another pull on his replicated synthale; but a cocked eyebrow and a knowing grin betrayed his real attitude.

Kes joined them; and Chakotay didn't miss the little sidelong look Tom gave her from behind his ale glass. Fortunately, Neelix was busy chatting with Kathryn, and was looking the other way.

He made another mental note to be ready to diplomatically intervene should a 'situation' between the two men ever arise tonight; synthehol wasn't the only drink flowing, and he knew that both Neelix and Tom had been heavily sampling the other stuff. And he also knew too well that there were times when Tom Paris needed to learn when to keep his mouth shut, and his eyes to himself ... or at least until he woke up to the subtle little attentions their chief engineer had been giving him lately.

"Champagne, Captain?" he heard the Talaxian ask, and he saw Kathryn shake her head at the offer; "Sorry Neelix, I need to keep my head clear. Chakotay and I have some work to do tonight, so no thanks."

"Oh, come on!" he replied, pouring a generous slug of the replicated sparkly into a flute, and then pushing it into her hand. "This is only synthehol. It'll hardly go to your head at all!"

"Well … if you insist," she said, reluctantly taking it. "But only one; one of us needs to stay fit for night duty with Maeve, and tonight it's Chakotay's turn for a proper sleep."

"But this is supposed to be _your_ wedding, as well," Neelix insisted, "so try to have some fun once in a while. I'm sure Ensign Wildman will be more than happy to help out for just one night if you ask her. You know, all this duty isn't setting a good example to the rest of the crew."

"She's been busy enough," Kathryn replied, "but I suppose just one synthehol won't hurt."

"That's the spirit, Captain!" he replied, but Chakotay noticed that it wasn't long before she'd gotten safely into an in-depth conversation on warp theory with Torres and Vorik, forcing Neelix to ply his drinks tray elsewhere.

"Naomi's growing fast," Kes observed, watching a fair-haired girl in a bright blue satin frock crawling shyly behind Wildman's uniform trousers, as her mother made small-talk with Ensign Jurot. Sleeping over Wildman's shoulder was another child; a human girl in early infancy, with fair skin and a thick shock of black hair. Unusually, she wasn't crying – but then, Wildman was holding her, and unless it was her, Neelix, Tuvok, or one of her parents doing that, Maeve Sekaya Janeway would never settle.

When Kathryn had broken the news about Maeve's existence to him in Sickbay just over one year ago, Chakotay was glad that she, after much soul-searching, had decided to accept his offer of help, and take the option she'd clearly wanted the most, rather than do for the sake of duty something he knew she'd always regret. Though there were other female crewmen on board who would have gladly taken the embryo to nurture as their own, he knew Kathryn well enough to know that giving her child away would have haunted her too much.

After deciding to keep Maeve, everything else seemed to develop in a blur. She'd been adamant at first that they would only be together as friends and co-parents, and not resume the intimacy they'd had on New Earth; but the night after they'd taken _Voyager_ back from the Kazon, a dinner date that was intended to be platonic soon had her breaking down in his arms.

Her hormones vaporised the walls that had been holding back the grief and fear of those few days, and she'd wept bitterly for Hogan and Suder, for Naomi and her mother, for the future of her own child whose presence she was only just starting to feel, and even for Seska's son. Walking back to his quarters that night with her confessions fresh in his memory, Chakotay knew then that she still loved him as well as needed him.

Even so, it took more convincing to encourage Kathryn to consider resuming their relationship, far more than he'd had to use when he offered to help her with the baby. He persisted only because she'd admitted on that night how much her own feelings for him had grown since they'd returned to _Voyager_.

Eventually, a long talk with Tuvok finally changed her perspective. After giving advice on maintaining command integrity, he'd then told her that, now that she and Chakotay were going to be a family, there was logic in allowing herself a deeper relationship with him. It would help stabilise their union, and with the right guidance strengthen their effectiveness as a team.

Chakotay, when he learnt of that talk, gratefully began to court his captain again. When he proposed to her the night after they'd rescued Kim and Paris from the prison ship, she accepted - on the condition that the wedding take place after the birth. The following months brought new challenges, but in general things went better than he'd expected.

Though he kept them mostly private, he'd shared many of the doubts about being both a family and a command team that Kathryn had expressed. But there was one thing, shortly after they'd returned from the late twentieth century, which gave him strength.

While he was getting ready for bed and waiting for Kathryn to finish her shift, Chakotay saw a PADD by her workstation that she'd forgotten to switch off. He was about to do it for her, until he noticed it contained an unfinished letter to Mark. He never got around to asking her if she'd meant him to read it, but when he put it back – exactly as she'd left it – he knew for certain where her heart was now, and that brought him peace.

By the time that Maeve first saw the lights of _Voyager's_ sick bay (and the faces of her proud parents), she'd already proven herself to be very much her mother's daughter. And, in spite of a few initial misgivings from some crewmembers, the interest that her impending arrival generated – though sometimes intrusive - ultimately brought the ship closer to the extended family it was already on the way to becoming.

Common sense, several adjustments and a lot of cooperation were more than enough to get her and Kathryn through all the rest. Even at a mere few weeks old, Chakotay noted with a new father's pride that his daughter was growing quite fast for a human infant.

But then, he was not surprised; even before her birth, she had managed to survive - among many other things - a Kazon takeover, another stranding, an alien swarm, and a time-shift to Twentieth Century Earth. Just a week before 'leaving cargo bay' (one of Kathryn's maternal euphemisms), there was even an attempt by Q to twist her into some kind of saviour for his species.

As for her parents, the Doctor had reported that he was hopefully close to perfecting the modified shots that would work on Kathryn and Chakotay's virus-altered body chemistry. That also pleased them both – the ancient twenty-first century alternatives they'd been relying on came with a few inconveniences.

As much as she loved their child, and as much as she'd talked about another, he knew that she was still _Voyager's_ captain, and therefore still responsible for the lives of everyone on board, not just Maeve's. He knew that one day, there might be a little brother or sister for her; but that would all depend on whether they got home soon enough, or if they would ever by chance travel long enough through safe and friendly space. If neither happened, then at least she would still have Naomi to grow up with.

"Chakotay, care for another dance?"

Kathryn had come over, accompanied by Wildman and Naomi; Kathryn was holding Maeve. "Tuvok?" she asked, and he nodded as she handed the baby over to him, and then held a white-gloved hand out to Chakotay. "It'll be my pleasure, Captain," he replied, taking it.

"_Kathryn_," she insisted, lightly touching a fingertip to his nose in a gentle remonstrance; "this is _our_ wedding, there'll be plenty of time for protocols after tonight, when we'll be back on duty and I'll be back to being the Captain."

"Of course, Kathryn," he replied; "_when_ we're back on duty, _then_ I'll address you as Captain."

"Thank you, Chakotay. I will very much appreciate it."

She smiled, and kissed his cheek. Then, arm in arm, they walked out to the dance area amid a fresh round of cheers and whistles, and as Harry Kim and the other musicians struck up another slow waltz tune, they danced. They kept on dancing, gazing always at each other, until the band had finally packed up, and most of the crew had gone home.

By the time Neelix and Kes were cleaning up the mess hall, they were still standing together by the window, Maeve fast asleep in Chakotay's arms, and Kathryn's arm around his waist as they watched the stars slip by.

They were still more than sixty years from Earth, and Chakotay knew that there would be no guarantees that their time in the Delta Quadrant would get any easier than it had been so far. He also knew that Kathryn would keep her promise to bring them back to their home Quadrant, come hell or high water.

But though he, like nearly everyone else on the ship, had loved ones in the Alpha Quadrant that he hoped to see again, Chakotay was beginning to feel now that this had become his home - this ship, the woman beside him, and their child.

"Kathryn," he said, "if we ever get back to the Alpha Quadrant…"

She shook her head, and waved her hand; the new gold band she wore gleaming brightly under the mess hall lights. "Don't worry about Mark," she said, anticipating his question before he could finish. "I know he'll understand, considering the circumstances. And don't worry about meeting my mother either; you've just made an honest woman out of me, and if ever she does get the news, she'll be very happy to know that she's finally got at least one grandchild."

"…if we did get back," he continued, "…would you feel that you've come home?"

Kathryn paused for a moment. "That's a very good question." She replied, "I don't really know. I've been starting to feel lately that we are making a home as much as we are going back to one."

"My feelings as well," Chakotay said. He felt Kathryn's hand on his arm.

"I'll take her and give you a rest," she said. "It's getting late anyway, and it's way past bedtime for all of us."

"Good idea." He replied, handing Maeve over, and together the three of them left the mess hall to take the turbolift home.

**-End-**


End file.
